OI Gaming: Deadpool Review

Review: White Noise A Tale of Horror

Game Rieview: Heavy Rain

It's story time children. Last year, while I was working as a security guard, I had a bit of a scuffle. In the end, I won, the bad guy lost, but I had injured my knee, and had to take a month off. I had just been paid and so I hobbled over to my local Game Stop and purchased three games: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, Devil May Cry 4, and Heavy Rain.

I got home, and popped in MW2. After playing 10 minutes online I told multiplayer to fuck off and popped in DMC 4. That lasted me about an hour before I decided to play this game I had heard little about, but was interested enough to buy. Heavy Rain.

It started a bit slow. I had to wake my character up, have him shower, put on clothes, blah, blah, blah... It was a lot like a life sim, where I just had my character do everyday stuff. It was about as exciting as the story I told you in the above paragraph...

Then [ Spoiler Alert ] (but to be fair, it has been out for 2 years.) your kid dies.

Wow...

I mean, in this world of political correctness, having a kid die in the opening hour of a game. Quantic Dream, you... got... ballz!

I started playing at 5pm, and finally had to take a break at the half way point around 1am. The next day, I turned it on and played through the rest of the game.

Now Ive heard a lot of people rip on how "It's not really a game." or "All you do is Quick Time Events." Which is true. But I found that it added to the tension of the game. It was really hard to have to hold cretin buttons when trying to pull a gun on a guy. But then when you think about it, your guy DOESN'T want to be doing this. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, but if he does not complete the "mission" he is on, his other kid will die.

 When you have to hold down three buttons, and then use the control stick to saw off your fucking finger, I feel like I'm there.

It is amazing how immersed I got in this game. I WANTED to finish the game. I WANTED to save my kid. And in the end, when I got the bad ending and EVERYONE DIED, I felt as if I failed.

I love this fucking game.

If you haven't played it yet, go out and try it.

Quantic Dream has a new game coming out next year called Beyond: Two Souls, and I will be per-ordering it.

As I'm getting ready to finish up here I just realized I never told you all what kind of game Heavy Rain is. But you know what, I'm not going to. If you have a PS3, go play it. If you don't, then watch a Lets Play online or something, but please, experience this game in some way.

Here's to great games.

~AZ

Game Review: Never Dead

*Sigh*

 I try to keep an open mind when it comes to games. I mean, I play a lot of them, and they cant ALL be fantastic. Though, to be perfectly honest I think that's kinda bullshit. If you're going to spend years making a game, why not make it great?

But I digress.

Never Dead is a game released earlier this year by Rebellion Developments. The game is based around a man named Bryce, who was cursed by Astaroth, the King of the Demons, to never die.
 So you can tell the developers really worked hard on the name.
 Bryce now works for the government in modern day, to destroy demons, and get bossed around by a blond. (I cant remember her name because, well, shes really annoying and I hated her by the end of the game.)

The main gimmick of the game is that Bryce dose not die. Instead he loses his arms and legs and even his head. If that happens, you have to roll around to your body parts and *ahem* Pull yourself together.

 You can also pull off your arms and throw them with guns, meaning you can shoot. You cant kill anything, you can just shoot.

There are also puzzles where you pull your head off and use it to solve puzzles. The only problem with that is that there are little monsters that eat your head and if you don't win a quick time event it's game over. Also, Bryce never SHUTS THE FUCK UP when hes a head, and will spout the same lines over and over and over again as you roll around. Seriously, he says the same fucking line every five seconds. "Rollin, rollin, rollin. Hope this doesn't mess up my hair. Ive got a headache."
 SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!

 There are plenty of good game elements here, but they are all handled poorly. You switch form guns, to swordplay...

Wait a minuet... That sounds familiar... Ill think of it, hang on...

Anyway, you fight demons, with a fast pace, with random rock music swelling up whenever the monsters pop up, and then fading to silence when all are... gone... Huh...

OH! I know! Its like Devil May Cry!

I'm serious. This game wants to be Devil May Cry so bad that it hurts. Bryce's character tries to be Dante so hard that it passes the line of homage, and turns into a horrible parody of him.

Never Dead isn't a good game. The voice acting is lame. When the token damsel in distress (who knows NOTHING about Bryce at this time) shouts the line "I HOPE YOU ARE CURSED FOREVER!" I cringe. Seriously? Cant they write like people actually speak?

This game made me want to take a nap after every chapter. And that is never a good thing to say about a game.


Until next time, keep on gaming.

Here's to gaming.

~AZ

Ninja Cowboys...

Why is this not a more popular thing!!!!

AGAIN?!?

 From the desk of the Pissed off Jade Fox:

...

I cant believe Im doing this again... Seriously. Youd think I would have better things to get pissed off about then comercials. But once again here I am with another rant... About a comercial.

RANT TIME 2

Ok, so once again I was watching videos on That guy with the Glasses ( Link here: CLICK ME!!!! I love them)

 and Blip now has commercials at the beginning, middle and END of each video.

 *Sigh*

 Ok, I can deal with that, seeing as it is free content.

Now the ad that has lead me here is for Gamestop (who I also love) and starts by showing a guy on his couch, with cheetos and milk on a stand next to him. He's looking at his game and sees something that, I guess, pleases him? Its a soccer game theyre promoting and I know dick about soccer, so Im guessing that its some good player or something.

But the man is over joyed, and in his glee does a full body... I guess the only word for it is spasm, in which he kicks over the stand, spilling cheetos and milk everywhere. They throw in their gobbledygook about the promotion, and then it cuts back to the guy just sitting there stunned about the player he saw.

Is this man retarded?

Don't get me wrong... Ive been excited before. I've even jumped up and do a little dance some time. (example) And yes, I have made a mess before. But my reaction afterwords isnt to sit and stare like an idiot at whatever made me happy. Its normally "Oh shit" and then frantecly running around to clean up my mess.

I know that, for comerciles, you should extend your suspension of disbelief, but after seeing it again, and again, and AGAIN, I get pissed at this man every time. Maybe Im the only one... Maybe Im reading too much into it...


But what if Im right?

Here's to "if"


~AZ

N

Now for an anime review. Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Please don't get me wrong. I really like this anime.

Its got epic battles,

 an interesting story line,

and some fan service, but not enough to distract from everything else.




 




All that aside, it isn't the BEST anime out there. I know I might piss a few people off saying this, but I think that it could be a lot better.

Now before you all start lining up to throw rocks at my house, let me clarify.

Its not that its a bad anime. I just think that there are a few tweaks. It gets really preachy, has episodes that go no where, and an antagonist that needs to either grow some balls, or shut the hell up.

Seriously. Any time Shinji (The main character) starts to whine about.... well, fucking ANYTHING, I go straight to the liquor cabinet. Odds are, by the time Ive finished my third shot, he will finally be done bitching.

When I first saw NGE I thought Oh cool! A giant mech anime that isn't Gundam! and even in the first episode, I got to see a giant monster thing wrecking Japans shit. AWESOME...

Then I got, what, three episodes of exposition? I remember thinking that the next fight better be awesome, or I'm gong to lose it. The next fight came, and it was... just okay...

To be perfectly honest, at that time I stopped watching. It wasn't until a few years later, that I went back and finished watching the series.

I'm all for an artistic anime, with a message, but I think NGE just took it too far. Its not a bad anime, mind, but its not the greatest. Ive heard that they rebooted, and I haven't had a chance to watch the new stuff, so maybe they fixed a lot. Ill let you know what I think when I see it, but to be honest, I'm not that amped to go sit through it. The first series sapped that out of me.

Ok, there's my 2 cents. You may now start spamming me with hate mail. I will still love you.

Here's to anime

-AZ  

G

Game review.


Like I said in my first blog, I am not a good game reviewer. I try though, so I think I get effort points. ^_^

So today I'm going to talk about a game that I love, even though it made me want to break my PS3.

Shadow of the Colossus.

For those of you who haven't played this game here is a quick summery. You are a daring young man who brings the love of his life (who is very much dead) to a mystic land to make a deal with an entrapped demon. The demon agrees to resurrect her, but you have to kill the sixteen giant monsters that roam the land. You, being in love, agree to this, and ride off on your loyal horse to go kill these beasts.


The majority of the game you spend riding across the empty landscape, holding your sword aloft so the light reflect off it and points you to your next Colossus. The rest of the game is the fight between the huge monsters, switching between frantic combat, and puzzle platforming as you crawl across the colossus like a flea. And that's it. You ride your horse, then fight a monster. Ride your horse, then fight a monster.

AND ITS FUCKING AMAZING!

I'm not sure if I am the minority on this, but I love the boss fights in games. It's my favorite part of the game. Shadow is ALL BOSS FIGHTS! Each Colossus is different and unique. The all have some similarity to real creatures, from birds, to bulls, to snakes. Each one looks like its been sleeping for years, and are waking up because you are there. The puzzles get harder, as do the monsters, but to a level that you can handle.

Now the reason I almost broke my PS3. THE FUCKING CAMERA! I swear, the only reason I ever died in that game is because the camera would not move the way I wanted. The final Colossus being a cacophony of fucks as I couldn't see what the hell I was doing. Just ask my aunt, and her two young children.


So all in all its a great game and I suggest you play it. Shadow of the Colossus is available on PS2 and the HD collection is on PS3. Pick it up. You wont be disappointed.

Here's to gaming.


-AZ

D

So for D today I think ill talk about Doug Walker, also know as The Nostalgia Critic.

Now a little back story here: I hadn't heard of Doug Walker, or the Nostalgia Critic until last year. I had seen the name mentioned a couple of times by other critics and reviewers, but I had never looked into him.

A phrase from one of his videos was cut into an AMV that I was watching, and I decided to follow up by watching a review he did. And, HOLY CRAP, I loved it. Doug takes older movies, from the 80s and 90s and reviews them, seeing if they hold up in this day, and age.

I find that his reviews are fairly accurate, and funny as hell. I have never laughed so hard in my entire life. They make me look back at my childhood and remember the things I loved as a child. And even if he totally trashes the things I loved (or still love) I still look back with fond memories, and joy.

Doug, Mr. Walker, please keep up the good work. I enjoy every thing you do.

To watch Doug Walkers reviews, please visit http://thatguywiththeglasses.com

Here's to laughing.


-AZ

B

So for the letter B today, I'm going to talk about something that starts with B... Anime.

To be more specific, Bleach.

Now, don't get me wrong, I really like Bleach. The idea of people fight evil ghosts with big ass swords, and flying around beating the shit out of each other? FUCKING AWESOME!

Seriously, sign me up. I would die right now if I could be a sword wielding, ghost busting, super spirit.

My problem is... What does the name Bleach have to do with anything? The good guys aren't named Bleach. The bad guys aren't evil stains in white clothing. The main character isn't even a Bleach blond. He has red hair.

So that's my main problem with it. (that and its a lot like Yu Yu Hakasho, which in turn is a lot like Dragon Ball Z, but I'm not nit picking.) Its a fun and entertaining show, just with a confusing title.






Here's to wondering.


-AZ

Happy 20th

So Sailor Moon, an anime series that I absolutely love, had its 20th anniversary last week. Salior Moon was he first anime I had ever seen, and it sucked me into that world. I thank my aunt (www.francespauli.blogspot.com) everyday for getting me hooked on it.

Now in saying that, Why have we not seen a reboot of the series yet? I mean, Evangelion got a reboot. Hell, Full Metal Alchemist got a reboot within a couple of years after it aired. So why not a great series like Sailor Moon? I have to think that if they remade it closer to the manga, then it would attract a much wider audience then it had before.



For those of you who haven't read the manga, it is much darker, and more action packed then the american dub.

In my eyes it just seems that the people in charge of the Sailor Moon franchise are just afraid of money and fame. In that case, I guess I can understand. But then sell the damn franchise, and bring us something that we all want.


Happy Birthday Sailor Moon. I still love you.


In the name of the Moon, Ill see you later

-AZ

PS. Oh, and when you do bring it out again, DON'T FUCKING CENSOR IT SO MUCH YOU    PUSSYS!!!

Mascots

What the hell happened to Sonic the Hedgehog?

This guy was on top of the world, rivaling Mario... MARIO! Sonic was way more awesome then Mario (This is the opinion section of my rant.) he had cooler power ups, a way more awesome design, and he was FAST! Mario could only jog at a steady pace. Sonic went from 0 to 60 in only a few seconds. WAY COOLER THEN A STUPID FAT-ASS!

But I ask again, what happened? Over the years Mario has been getting bigger and bigger, while Sonic has just been making ends meet. How can Mario remake the same fucking game over, and over, and over, BUT Sonic does it and gets Crucified. Sonic tries something new... and gets slaughtered. Sonic follows that fat fucks example, and gets called a cheap rip off.

They both even had failed cartoons. Who else here remembers The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, and The Super Mario Brothers Super Show... THEY BOTH SUCKED ASS! But Sonic actually came back with a GREAT cartoon, Sonic SAT AM. and is still making some good cartoons, like Sonic X.

I want to see a world where Sonic and Mario switch places. Sonic could be making Sonic Galaxy 2, while Mario is making Super Mario and the Black Knight. The question not being, would Sonic do better, no no no... I want to see if I would still like Sonic, or if Id be in Mario's camp.




Here's to wondering.

See ya around.

-AZ

Rant Time

Ok. Time for another rant.
I have no problem with the advertisements being placed in web videos now. In fact, I like that YouTube even allows us to skip the longer ads. This is not what my rant is about.
My rant is about the ads they put. I was just watching the new Nostalgia Critic (www.thatguywiththeglasses.com) and they cut to commercials in the middle. Again, I am ok with this. But the damn commercials are so fucking dumb.
The first was a yogurt commercial and the first thing that happens is a mother telling her daughter "Why don't you go get us some Yoplett. FIRST OF ALL: Who the FUCK actually uses the brand names. Realistically the mother would say, "Hey, go get some yogurt." If you use the brand name, please don't reproduce... You have clearly been brainwashed by advertising.
SECONDLY (oh yes, I have more points) The kid takes forever and the mom just looks around and says "I have no idea where she could be."

... THIS. MOTHER. IS. HORRIBLE!

If your kid went missing in the store, the cops would be called even before you looked around. I know that its a horrible realization that our first opinion is that our kid has been abducted, but that's the age we live in. Hell, I worked in retail long enough to know that parents barley look for their kids before they come crying to the management about "Oh my kids gone missing." So, no. I do not believe that this mother would be, like, "Huh, where or where did my per-teen daughter, who I wont even let use Facebook by herself yet, wander off to in this giant store?"

NO SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF HERE ADVERTISER.

Now on to my last point, which, to be fair is just me nit picking, but, When did the Green Giant become no longer jolly?
When I was a kid it was the Jolly Green Giant. Now its just the Green Giant. Why is he not jolly anymore? What happened? Is it something we did? Is it because kids don't like vegetables, so now that Jolly Green Giant is sad?


I for one and sorry Mr. Giant, and would like to know how to make you happy once more.


That's it from me. Ill see y'all next time.

-AZ 

(To see a vlog of this rant, please visit my You Tube channel. http://www.youtube.com/user/JadeKitsune1?feature=mhee )